Happy Sad

It's not that I forgot to write anything.
It's that I have nothing to write about.
It's that I have SO MUCH to write about that my brain hurts.
I am going through my usual down spiral. It happens every fall.

How can Fall be my favourite season? I LOVE it so much, it brings me to tears (really) The first few days, I smile all the time, I step on crunchy leaves and drink pumpkin-y hot beverages and wear boots and smile. Then after a few weeks, I remember how fleeting the fall is. I start to cry at the leaves on the ground. They won't be here much longer. I feel the sadness that is the bitter cold, when I forget to wear a sweater (also I CAN'T wear one under my coat, I've gotten to fat for it ... I need a new effing coat). I think about the holidays that are just around the corner, and instead of being excited, now I start to panic. I don't have  enough money, I don't know what to get, I don't know what to do about Diva's birthday (which is December 24th... ) I start to feel overwhelmed. Then the thoughts about Christmas brings me to tears. I think about my childhood and all the things we did. And the people we celebrated with. I grew up with my cousin "squishy" (you know i'm talking about you ! ) and her parents. We were SO CLOSE. We'd spend most of our lives with them. And now, our parents are not talking anymore. None of us understand why. But the idea of spending ANOTHER holiday season without them, breaks my heart.

The Fall is my season of reflection. There is less clutter, less leaves on the trees, I can see the sky better. I can talk to the sky better. I reflect on my life and where I am. Sometimes I am happy with it, surprised that I have all that I have. Then other times, I feel sad. Sad for the life I never perused. Sad for the friends I've pushed away. Sad that my kids don't know why mommy is always sad.

One thing I love about Fall. Is the fact that it's colder. I love the feeling of knitted scarves and soft sweaters and slippers. AND of course pumpkin-y hot beverages ...